just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
