I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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