Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
