my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I touched a dick in church today
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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