YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
