i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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