my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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