I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
