Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Randomize
