I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
