I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
