I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
