hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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