she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize