i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
