I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
