I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
