I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Randomize
