i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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