Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
