I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
