I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
