dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Randomize
