i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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