Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
