Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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