It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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