i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Randomize