I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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