I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Randomize
