I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
