A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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