My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
