you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
