the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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