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Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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