Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
