If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
