Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
North Korea, Best Korea!
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
