my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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