well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Can you bring me the toilet please
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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