i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
