I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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