I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
