I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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