Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
