The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
