Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
