Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Hippo gnu deer
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
