I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
