Define "chronic" masturbator.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
