just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
