I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
