I just made out with a guy for $7.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
