I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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