It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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